I didn’t want to get as personal as I am about to get, but I then I remember that my readers care enough to read my writing, so they deserve authenticity. I wouldn’t be myself if I didn’t share all of me and this platform would lack a sense of sincerity. And that’s not fair to you. Remember that first post where I said that there are two parts of me and how some days those two parts battle with each other? Well, now is a time that the battle is fierce and the “city girl” is winning. Let me take you back a bit:
I lost one of my most precious best friends this last fall. It was tragic and it was sad and it’s become something I am learning to cope with, albeit, sometimes not very well. However, it has also caused me to see life very differently.
So now, part of that new vision is realigning what is most important to me and never taking it for granted; you never know when it can be taken away from you. I think, for the most part, that people in general take life itself for granted. They think there is plenty of time to do the things they want to do and tomorrow will always come. Whether it is travelling to the beach you’ve always wanted to see or calling your sister to tell her you love her, we always think that “another time” is okay. But sometimes, “another time” never comes and you’re left regretting things you never did or things you never said.
There are times when I am outrageously thankful to live where I do. But then there are times, like now, as I reflect on the bucket list that has been screaming my name ever since her funeral, when I wish I could be somewhere else – somewhere exciting and somewhere challenging; Somewhere where I can put my toes into a sandy beach or climb a snowy mountain on a freezing day; Somewhere where I can sit outside a café sipping wine at noon like they do in Paris or venture through sunflower fields in Italy; Somewhere where I can hike through a jungle, foreign and vulnerable to nature, stumble upon something ancient, and spend the next few weeks researching its origin on an adventurous treasure hunt. Things on my bucket list, like seeing the ball drop in New York City again, buying a flat downtown KC or scuba diving the Great Barrier Reef, have now become urgent reminders that life is so short and time moves too fast.
The other side of this battle chimes in, and reminds me that the time I am spending “wishing” for something “better” is pulling me away from the great things in my life now and causing me to be ungrateful. I think we all do this, which is why I am okay admitting it. But am I missing something? Is there a way to combine this nagging feeling of restlessness with the stability of where my life is right now?
I think the answer is yes. God, I hope the answer is yes.
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